


Settling Down

by Loser_Angel_666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:34:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27516946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: Cas never gets to finish his confession, and the goodbye doesn't end up being a goodbye."They’ve done borderline confessions far too many times. Too many goodbyes with a little too much heart. Too many apologies with too much to lose and forgiveness that feels like coming home again. Too many near confessions....Dean can hardly believe they haven’t said the actual words yet. He can hardly believe how hard it is. "
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, in the background though
Comments: 26
Kudos: 148





	Settling Down

**Author's Note:**

> New episode tomorrow and I have to wait because I'll be in class :((

Dean had assumed, or hoped, that once all this shit settled down, once they finally got Chuck locked away forever, things between him and Cas would settle down again. They had fought and made up and they were okay, and then Cas tried to say goodbye. He was trying to say goodbye, but somehow they had fixed it and Cas didn’t get to finish. 

Dean was glad for that. He’s had Cas’ teary eyed face stuck in his head for days. He didn’t know where the speech was going, only that Cas was ready to sacrifice himself again. Only that Dean hasn’t been able to sleep knowing that Cas can’t be happy with his deal hanging over his head. Worrying that somehow something will make him happy enough to go, and then hating himself for being so selfish.

So nothing had changed, besides the subtle acknowledgements on both fronts that they cared for each other. Neither daring to admit that their care went beyond friendship. But It was nice to know they cared anyway, as they continued to focus every last effort on the task at hand: Chuck. 

The week that followed was dreadful and lonely and frustrating, but finally it was over. They had god trapped. Jack’s bomb turned him into a sort of black hole that god could never leave. They traded with the empty, gave it Chuck and in return, Cas’ deal would be lifted, and the vacancy for the God spot was taken up by Jack. Sweet, stupid, caring Jack. And there was no one better for the job. No one more kind. No one who loved humanity more. 

(except maybe Cas…but that’s a different ”humanity” we’re talking about)

Dean had thought, that once they had won, things between him and Cas would find a balance. They had always been balanced. Chaotic, and passionate, and balanced without peace in between, but balanced nonetheless. But the tensions still ran high. 

Dean could hardly look Cas in the eye, still coming to terms with the feelings that he never had time to process until now. He knew they were there, of course. He had known for years. But he never let them be real. He never allowed himself to think about it, not even for a moment. And now, with no cosmic being at their backs, no deals, no wars, no apocalypse, there was nothing to stop his face from warming when Cas smiled at him softly, like he tends to only do with Dean. 

And Cas was quite sure Dean had to have known what his goodbye speech would lead to, had he gotten to finish it. Dean must know. Cas had stood there, bearing his soul, loving Dean so strongly he was sure Dean must have known before he had even said a word. And he was sure that Dean had felt it back. Maybe not as much as Cas did, but it wasn’t completely unrequited was it?

Regardless, Dean had yet to mention it. Dean had yet to speak to Cas at all, besides asking him to pass the ketchup at dinner. He wasn’t being unfriendly, just odd. Cas hadn’t been expecting anything from the confession. He didn’t expect Dean to return it. He had planned to die, and not have to deal with it at all. But Dean seemed to be uncomfortable now. And even if he did feel the same, he had made no indication that he wanted to move forward with it. 

Cas packed his duffel bag.

“Where are you going?” Dean says, catching Cas on his way to the door.

“I thought you were asleep.”

“Well I’m not. Where the hell are you going, man?” Dean sounds angry. Cas thinks maybe he has a right to be.

“Out.”

“Out…? Out where?”

“I figured I would just drive until I found a place to stay.” Cas says after a minute. Tired. Human. Sad. Dean looks at him, disbelieving and a twinge of hurt on his face that he doesn’t even try to cover up.

“You’re leaving.” Dean mutters. Cas doesn’t say anything. “God, Cas, I thought we were done with this.”

“Done With what, Dean?” Cas sighs.

“With the… leaving. In the middle of the night. Were you even going to leave a note. A voice message. Anything? No goodbye. No- no warning just… gone?”

“I don’t know what I would have said.”

“Maybe tell us where, or why, or how long you’ll be gone?”

“I don’t know where. I don’t know how long. I-” Cas sighs, he’s not sure what to say. He can’t keep living with a man who can hardly acknowledge him. And maybe he’s being dramatic. But it seems like rejection every time Dean looks away from his gaze.

“I can’t believe this. I can’t- “ Dean takes a breath, meant to calm him,but he opens his eyes looking even angrier than before. Cas doesn’t know what he wants from him.

“Dean…”

“Just… why? And why are we fighting again?” 

“I don’t know, you’re the one who started the fight,” Cas says.

“You’re the one trying to walk out on us again.”

“You haven’t spoken to me since before Chuck.”

“What?” Dean says, caught off guard.

“Why do you care if I stay, if you haven’t said a word to me in weeks? I’m just getting out of your hair, Dean.”

“Why the hell would you think that?”

“Because it’s true,”

“It’s not! Cas-” Dean says and Cas turns to leave again, this time less out of sadness, and more out of anger. “Cas!” Dean calls, and Cas is already at the top of the stairs. Dean following him.

“Castiel!” Dean says, finally reaching Cas and grabbing his shoulder. “Talk to me, man. Don’t just… don’t fucking leave.” 

Cas looks at him. He doesn’t really want to leave. Now looking at Dean, he wants nothing more than to step forward and hug the hunter. To spend the rest of his life here in the bunker with him. But there’s anger and guilt and fear and rejection and it’s stinging his eyes. There’s hurt and there’s sadness and hopelessness and Cas is tired of watching Dean not know how to be around him. The silence is thick, impatient. 

“Cas, I don’t know what made you feel like you had to leave, but we want you here. Okay? I- I want you here.”

“You’re doing a great job of acting like it?” Cas whispers. He’s not fighting anymore. It comes out in a sigh.

“Just… please stay. If you really want to go I won’t stop you, but I want you here, man. I- I’m done with… I’m done being-” Dean cuts himself off, looking pained, unsure how to finish that train of thought. (I’m done with hiding. Done with letting you go. Done with pretending I don’t care. Done with Being angry.)

Cas is patient, seeming to sense his desperation, and when Dean picks his gaze up off the floor, his eyes look glassy.

“I know I didn’t stop you last time. I let you walk out of here. But I wanted you to stay then, and I want you to stay now. I care about you, alright. And you said I made you care about the world, But I didn’t care about myself until I met you. I didn’t believe in anything, and I don’t just mean god and angels and shit. Cas, You made me… have faith. You saved me, man. You saved me so many times, and in more ways than you know. And you were about to die. I’m still trying to work my way around this shit, okay?”

“Okay, Dean.” Cas says, he drops his duffel bag and Dean pulls him into a hug. 

They’ve done borderline confessions far too many times. Too many goodbyes with a little too much heart. Too many apologies with too much to lose and forgiveness that feels like coming home again. Too many near confessions. They’ve said it in so many ways, so many times, Dean can hardly believe they haven’t said the actual words yet. He can hardly believe how hard it is. 

***

Sam is pleasantly surprised when he comes into the kitchen the next morning to find Zeppelin playing while Dean makes omelets. Cas is leaning against the counter next to the stove with a cup of coffee and Dean is singing the words, basically right at Cas. Jack is enjoying bacon at the table and dancing in his seat. 

“Sammy! I made… a disgusting omelet just for you. It has spinach.” Dean says, pushing a plate toward him.

“Thanks,” Sam rolls his eyes. “I see you two made up.”

“We weren’t fighting,” Dean says at the same time as Cas says “Yeah,” They exchange annoyed glances, before Dean reaches up and ruffles Cas’ hair with an eye roll and returns his attention to the stove. 

“We’re good.” Dean smiles and Cas nods.

“Good to hear.” Sam chuckles.

***

They have family game nights sometimes. They’ve played Cards, pictionary, clue, monopoly… There’s the five of them. Dean, Cas, Sam, Eileen, and Jack. And sometimes they have over Jody and Donna and the girls too. Or Charlie and her girlfriend. Bobby, Garth and his family. They had Jesse and Caesar over for dinner one night. Jesse nudged Dean and told him they were proud he finally got his shit worked out. Dean looks back at Cas, and doesn’t correct him.

They have movie nights too, Dean is still trying to catch Cas up on all his favorites. And Sam doesn’t say anything when Dean chooses the seat right next to Cas. He puts his legs up on the coffee table and one arm over the back of the couch (definitely not around Cas…) and a beer in his other hand. No one comments on it when Dean leans in to whisper about the characters or the dialogue. And No one mentions it when Cas leans back to ask questions or to say something, or when they’re both laughing at something no one else was clued into. 

They still hunt. Of course they do. And Sam has started hunting with Eileen more often, she started staying over more often. Dean takes Cas with him on grocery runs, because why not, and if people comment about how cute of a couple they are, Dean doesn’t correct them. And when Dean and Cas are out on a hunt, just the two of them, Dean lets Cas choose the music. Only sometimes. And they listen to the mix-tape. Then they listen to Taylor Swift, or other songs from Dean's recommendations, and even the one’s Dean doesn’t like so much, he sings along to. 

When they get out at the hotel and the hotel clerk asks if one bed is okay, Dean says sure, with a glance at Cas, who looks surprised, but warm. He looks so genuinely happy Dean’s heart aches. 

They take care of the job fairly quickly. A vampire nest. And then they’re back in their hotel. 

“I’m going to check the front desk for another towel, I used one of them to clean my machete.” Dean says and when he gets back with the towel, Cas is watching their little microwave heat up leftovers for dinner.

“Dean. You’re back. I made tea, it’s on the bedside table.”

“Thanks,” 

They eat their day old burritos on top of the blankets with the tv on in the background and they’re laughing and it’s wonderful. It’s perfect. It’s exactly what Dean wants. 

The next morning when Sam calls to check in, Cas is checking out while Dean waits in the car.

“You guys coming right home?”

“Yeah, you there? Or with Eileen?”

“I’m here. So is Eileen.”

“You two are happy, huh?” Dean smiles, he’s letting the sun hit his face though the windshield and he’s watching Cas return their room keys to the clerk.

“We are.” Sam sighs happily. “What about you? I know you’ve never wanted to talk about it… but you seem good Dean. You’ve never seemed so good.” And that chokes Dean up a little bit.

“I’m really good Sammy.” He says, Cas is putting the cap on a to-go cup outside the breakfast lounge on his way out the door and Dean can’t keep himself from grinning. “Cas is good. We’re good. He’s… Sam I-” Dean swallows thickly. “I love him.”

“Good for you Dean. I’m glad you’ve finally got your shit together.”

“Shut up, I haven’t told him yet. …I’m going to though.”

“Good. I’m happy for you.” Sam says softly and Dean nods. He wipes away his watering eyes as Cas opens the passenger side door. 

“Are you okay? Is Sam okay?” What happened?” Cas asks.

“No, no, everything's fine. Everything’s good. He’s here Sam, we’re taking off now,” Dean says and he hangs up. Cas puts two to-go cups of coffee in the cup holders. And then they’re off.

The silence of the road only lasts a few comfortable minutes before Cas looks at him curiously and asks.

“You were crying. While you were on the phone with Sam.”

“I would hardly call it crying, Cas.”

“What was it about?” He asks. Dean looks contemplatively out at the highway in front of them. “You don’t have to tell me,”

“We were just talking.” Dean says, voice low. “About how good things are. I mean… things are really good, Cas. Things are great. And they’ve been great for a while too, I’m just… I’m actually happy. You know? We’ve been fighting and struggling since before Sam could walk. And Now we’ve got Eileen, and you. And Jack’s doing really well. He’s freaking God.”

“I’m happy too Dean.” Cas says. It’s almost a whisper. Dean reaches over and puts a hand on Cas’ knee. He doesn’t keep it there. But the touch is comforting. It’s warm. It’s love. And when Dean reaches for one of the coffee cups Cas brought them, Cas pushes his hand away.

“They’re both for me.” He says, with such a straight face, Dean believes him for a full minute before Cas starts to laugh.

***

A few days later, it’s well into the night, and Cas comes into the kitchen. For once, he’s not wearing his trench coat, only one of Dean’s old gray t-shirts and a pair of black sweatpants. Dean is leaning back against the counter with a beer, looking thoughtfully out into the dark room.

“What are you doing? I thought you’d be asleep.”

“I’m thinking.”

“About?”

“...I think Sam is planning to move out.”

“What makes you say that?”

“He said it.” Dean finally brings his eyes to look at Cas, who hasn’t moved from the doorway. Dean reaches into the fridge next to him to offer Cas a beer.

“He told you?”

”No, he was talking to Eileen.”

“Oh.” Cas nods, coming forward to take the bottle. “Well good for them then.”

“Yeah. So I was uh… I was thinking about maybe getting a place too. We only really work cases on the side, now that Chuck isn’t constantly throwing things at us. Charlie doesn’t live too far, she mentioned her neighbors were moving out last time we visited, remember?”

“I do.” Cas nods.

“You don’t like the idea.” Dean says, seeing Cas’ face.

“No, I think it’s a great idea. You should. I’m glad you have the choice to choose a… a more normal life now. I know you always said it’s not what you wanted… but I know you Dean. I’m happy for you,”

“Well… thank you, I guess.” Cas nods, sad smile still in place. “Okay, what’s that look for? Do you not want to move out? We would still visit the bunker. Maybe we could get an extra bedroom too, for Jack.”

“You want me to come?” Cas asks, Dean looks up at him, confused for a while before chuckling in slight disbelief.

“Obviously.”

“Oh… Good.”

“Cas, you don’t think I would move out without you right? That… that apple pie life… it’s only gonna work for me if it’s with you.”

“Dean,” Cas tilts his head in gentle adoration.

“Cas, I’ve been… You’re better at this than I am. Or maybe not, you tried to do it while you were about to die…” Dean readies himself for the conversation, taking a sip of beer and a deep breath. Cas smiles at him hopefully. “I’ve been meaning to say it since I prayed to you in purgatory. And I’m sorry it’s taken so goddamn long. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to tell you.”

“It’s okay Dean. I know.”

“I know you know. I know too. But I love you. And I want to get a house with you. And I want to… to be with you. Completely. For real. No skirting around the edges, no waiting for the sun to shine just right. None of that shit.”

Cas looks at Dean for a moment, feeling content. Feeling good, and happy, for the first time… ever. For the first time since he had first met Dean. And now there’s no deal to hold him back. Dean is looking right back at Cas, eyes sincere and hopeful, half of his face bathed in light from the hall light Cas turned on. He looks just like he always has to Cas. He’s a hunter. The righteous man. Dean Winchester. He’s been to hell, to purgatory, they both have. They’ve been together. And they keep saving each other. They keep pulling each other up and out and into safety. Cas keeps falling for him, over and over and over. Every nod of his head, every stupid joke he tells, every made up name for a new monster. Every bullshit excuse to sit closer to Cas. Cas fell from heaven for him and he would do it for the rest of eternity if it meant he could have a single day with Dean. 

“I want that too Dean.” Cas whispers. And he takes a step forward from where he was leaning against the table, takes Dean's beer from his hand and puts it down next to his own, and he leans in, hand on Dean’s jaw, and he kisses him. Dean wraps his arms around Cas and kisses back.

“I love you too.” Kiss says against Dean’s mouth when they pull away. And Dean pulls him in for another kiss.

***

The next morning, when Dean presses a kiss to Cas’ cheek on his way to the coffee pot, or when he nudges their knees together during dinner. When he pulls Cas closer, arm around his shoulder while they watch a movie, or when he passes over the keys to Baby without a second thought, no one mentions it. No one mentions it when Cas reaches out for Dean’s hand or when they only ask for one bed on a hunt. Or when they win a game of pictionary together, and Dean lets out a “whoo!” and just reaches over and pulls Cas in for a kiss.

And when Sam tells Dean he wants to move into a cute little house with Eileen. Get a dog, the whole picket fence dream. Dean tells him that he and Cas already have a house picked out for themselves. And they drink to that. They’re settling down. Finally. They can drink to that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!!  
> I have a lot of ideas
> 
> a lot
> 
> please add me to destiel fanfiction discord servers (Eggs#6159)


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